There and Back: Quotes from those who have lived in the hellish shadow of a narcissist

I have kept the authors of these quotes anonymous, to protect their identities. If, reading their words, you can relate to their feelings and experiences, you are likely to be under the influence of one or more narcissists. I may edit this post in future if even more useful quotes come to light. Thank you to everyone quoted here for their wisdom!

“The Powerball Lottery here was recently up to 560 million. I think everyone I know bought lottery tickets. But, realistically, the odds of winning are ridiculous. It ‘could’ conceivably happen, but it’s not something you would ever count on or plan your life around. Imagine how silly if I ran up debt or didn’t get a job or education because I was “gonna win the lottery”. But we do this, in our relationships. People ‘can‘ and ‘do‘ change, but the odds are so rare that you can’t ‘count‘ on it happening. It’s foolish to spend your life waiting or hoping for someone else to change. And this is even more true about narcissists. Narcissists don’t change because deep, deep down inside they believe that they are right and everyone else is wrong.”

“We’d been having problems with John’s family… John’s mother, particularly, couldn’t seem to cope with the idea of ‘losing’ him to me, and was trying to do everything in her power to keep hold of him. The family (there were three siblings and John’s dad besides) were all similarly possessive, refused to respect our status as an engaged couple and really didn’t seem to want us to get married. Their expectation was always that John should put me second and them first, and should go home to visit them all the time, go on family holidays, cancel other commitments to be with them and so forth (all the ‘kids’ were between 23 and 30, yet they still insisted on these frequent family gatherings where the dynamic – creepily – didn’t seem to have changed since they were all about 8 years old). The parents, particularly the mother, seemed to be entirely living their own lives through their children, and couldn’t seem to let them go in the way that normal parents do.

John, at times, seemed to be able to see what was going on, and promised me repeatedly that he would do something about it, would stand up to them, and so forth. I trusted him to do so, but when we were away with them on holiday, the parents managed to engineer a horrible row where they accused me of being a gold-digger (not that John really had any money to speak of, just an ever-growing overdraft), of taking John away from them, of pushing him around, and various other things. I stood up for myself, quite indignantly, but rather than supporting me, John tried desperately to get me to apologise to them. John seemed to be completely brainwashed by his parents whenever they managed to talk to him on his own, and afterwards I found that it was like talking to a completely different person. We’d both agreed to return from holiday slightly earlier than the rest of the family because of other commitments (this had occasioned a tantrum of epic proportions from John’s mother when we announced it the previous week), but the parents persuaded him that he needed some ‘space’, and despite my pleas (knowing that they would use the opportunity to get their claws into him and finish off the relationship entirely) he remained with them. The following week I received a letter from him – so unlike his usual messages that I’m certain it was dictated by his parents – ending the engagement for very vague and unspecific reasons.” (A woman describing the end of her relationship with the heavily-enmeshed son of a narcissistic mother)

“He looks perfect on the outside – other women will come up to me and say they wish their men acted like him – but that’s exactly what it is: an act. In private he has been criticising my every move that doesn’t fit in with what he wants. Over the last 9 years, I can’t believe how much of my life has been eroded due to depression and his controlling behaviour.”

“Choking is the most dangerous (and narcissistic) abuse of all. They are taking away your right to breathe. It’s like a tiny murder every time.”

 

“At the bank today, my wife told a few complete strangers standing next to us at the counter, “I never let him have any money!” They looked at her a little oddly, but said nothing. Perhaps they eventually assumed that she was joking good-naturedly… but it’s true. She takes my salary and gives me an allowance. I just wanted the ground to swallow me up. Also, when I use the internet, she accuses me of wanting to contact my ‘girlfriends’ when I am doing no such thing. I can’t do anything without her making snide comments or looking over my shoulder.”

Thank you for reading.

(Photo credit: layoutsparks.com)