A Family Affair: The Narcissist’s Family and How it Works

At the beginning of my relationship with my husband (then boyfriend), there were a few MASSIVE red flags from his family that I missed. Looking back they are incredibly obvious, but in the state I was in then – still reeling from having been devalued and discarded by my mother and father – it is not so surprising that they went unclocked.

One of my boyfriend’s younger sisters back at his family home (abroad, in a different culture) had learned that we were in a relationship, that things were getting serious, and that marriage had been mentioned between us. I heard that she’d said to him about me, “Well, as long as she loves us the way you do, I don’t mind what she’s like.”

Might look fairly innocent at first glance. I mean, she’s talking about sharing love, which is something positive, right?

Wrong.

Why? Well, when a member of a narcissistic family talks about ‘love’ they don’t always mean it in the same way as the rest of us might. They often mean ‘service’ or ‘unquestioned obedience’ instead of ‘love’.

Firstly, my husband’s sister, who is 5 years younger than him, thought it was fine for her to butt into his life and start judging which of his girlfriends were and were not OK by her. I did actually ask him about what I thought was her strange behaviour later, and discovered that both of his sisters had interfered in his romantic life before the younger of the two made this statement about me. A previous girlfriend had actually been dumped by him on their say so, and for apparently no other reason than their having said they “just didn’t like her”. Not only that, but my boyfriend openly defended their behaviour, and said that, as his family, it would have been weird for them NOT to exercise their right to such interference! (he made it absolutely clear, too, that he considered it their right as much as they did).

All this should have set deafening alarm bells ringing for me. However, in my fragile state, all it did was make me think that I should try even harder to stay on the right side of the family so as not to lose my boyfriend. And so began my downward slide into their creepy world…

Secondly, in her comment about ‘love’, what my would-be SIL really meant was, “Well, as long as she is prepared to be a doormat and always come second to us, “The Worshipful Family of Origin”, I don’t give a damn about anything else.”

The general attitude when we got engaged and married seemed to be that I should consider myself lucky to have been chosen to be his wife and a part of their family.

The trouble with that apparent luck was that it was strictly one-sided and came with iron chains. He was the family prince/servant, and I was his whipping boy. He had a love/hate relationship with his family. His father was also a demanding narcissist. When the family pushed my husband too far with their demands, he would rather take his frustration out on me than insist they lower their expectations or change their behaviour. At the same time, he was obsessed with the adoration they would pour on when he did things for them. I was expected to go to frankly ridiculous lengths to collude with him in keeping them happy, while all the time knowing I was never really ‘one of them’.

And it worked in exactly the same way in reverse. Whenever my husband’s reputation was threatened or it seemed like his time or attention was being ‘stolen’ by someone or something else, the family would rush to his defence, closing in on itself to the exclusion of outsiders – including me – like Roman soldiers in a protective testudo or tortoise formation (see below).

 

Testudo or ‘tortoise’ Roman battle formation

 

This behaviour is typical of the narcissistic family, no matter which family member(s) are in the narcissistic roles. It could be one parent or both, one child or more, or even a revered grandparent, aunt, or uncle. The narcissist keeps family members possessively close at all times, and teaches them that it is not appropriate to share or discuss family matters with outsiders. This was the behaviour that my father-in-law excelled in, as did my husband. There is rarely a good reason given for this rule when it is stated, and here’s why: the clannish attitude only exists to preserve the narcissist’s domain and ensure that they always have a cover for the abuse they inflict within the family. They are safe because everyone has been indoctrinated never to talk, always to defend the narcissist and the family, and they are simply too brainwashed, and often frightened, to do anything else.

As a non-narcissistic member or in-law of a narcissistic family, you may be told not to “air the family’s dirty laundry in public”, or shunned or punished for talking about the family to other people. The narcissists, along with the other family members they have roped into enabling their abuse and supporting their image, are terrified of the truth getting out. If you speak the truth without fear or shame, you threaten them.

If you find yourself in a narcissistic family either by birth or by marriage, you have a choice to make. You can only change yourself and your behaviour, because the family you are part of will likely NEVER change one bit. As well as leaving a marriage to a narcissistic man, I left a narcissistic family of origin. I’m not going to lie – it wasn’t easy. There were times when I questioned if I was doing the right thing, missed my family members despite what had gone on while we were still in contact, and had several occasions of thinking I would give them ‘just one more chance…’.

But I soon realised that, if I wanted to be my ‘real’ self, I had to leave them behind. The life I had had with them was no life at all, really. Trying to be something I was not just to please them, lying about our family and about my true feelings all the time just so they wouldn’t get upset, having to conform and pretend and worry and cover up… it was exhausting!! And above all, it was totally unnecessary. Nobody should have to live like that.

A narcissistic family may well accuse you of ‘abandoning’ or ‘betraying’ them if you decide to limit or cease contact with some or all of them. Let them. They are only feeling threatened and angry because you are no longer conforming to type and holding your place in the dysfunctional family scheme of things. They thought they had you well-educated to serve them, but now you have seen the light and had enough.

You have the right to be and behave as your authentic self, and to tell the truth about anything at any time. That is especially true of any abuse you have suffered. What narcissistic families engage in to protect themselves is abuse. The forced deceit, shaming, and fakery are all emotionally abusive behaviours that you have the right to live without being subjected to.

One last thing: perhaps other people think that your family is the best family in the world, and you are worried that nobody will believe you if you have to tell them why you cut off contact? They may not believe you… but that doesn’t mean the abuse didn’t happen.

The only thing that matters is that YOU know what really happened, and you are taking steps to protect and distance yourself from the cause of it. Let other people think what they may – they didn’t have to be part of your family. Do what you need to do for yourself, and let the rest go. This is YOUR time. There is nothing wrong with looking out for yourself. Do not confuse ‘self-care’ with ‘selfishness’. Self-care is an important thing for us all. Get plenty of it!

I hope this has been helpful. Thank you for reading.

(Photo credit: imgur.com)

Sleeping with the Enemy Part 2: What to do if you suspect your partner or spouse is a narcissist

Finding out that you are or may be in a relationship with a narcissist can be a time of mixed feelings. You might feel relieved and even mildly elated at finally being able to put a name and cause to the abuse you have suffered, and at discovering that there are others who have suffered the exact same things; you may slowly begin to feel other feelings which were previously swallowed down because your abuser forbade you to have or express them, e.g. anger; and it could even dawn on you that you do not want to stay in your current relationship much longer.

Here are some things that it is beneficial to know and do if you have discovered or heavily suspect that your partner or spouse is a narcissist:

– Don’t tell them that you think they are a narcissist. In fact, don’t tell them, their family, or anyone who knows them intimately and may broadcast what you have said. I told my sister-in-law that my husband had hit me, hoping that she would help me to help him to get better. What actually happened was, she said I must have provoked him, and took his side. You will get NO help worthy of the word from a narcissistic partner’s family, so it’s better not to expect any. Whenever the sh*t hits the fan (pardon my French) and the unblemished reputation of their perfect darling so much as looks as if it might come into question, they will stick together like glue, and leave you out in the cold.

It probably sounds very contradictory to say that keeping your knowledge/suspicion quiet is the best option. After all, if someone is ill, isn’t it better for them to know so that they can get well? With any other kind of illness that would be true. But telling a narcissist that you know what they are is likely to be met with, at best, outright (and permanent) denial and, at worst, an intense rage attack. You may even get both. Don’t put yourself at risk – it’s not worth it. By their very nature, narcissists are extremely resistant to even acknowledging that they have a problem, never mind the idea of changing or getting help for it. It would be good to confide in a friend you can trust (preferably not a mutual friend of yourself and your partner) or online support group, but be prepared for the possibility that the person you choose may not be aware of what being a narcissist is all about. They may try to say that your partner “doesn’t mean” to behave in the way they do, or something similar. In these cases, trust your own intuition. If you are feeling controlled or abused by that person according to the criteria outlined in my first post on this blog, then the chances are that you are right to suspect narcissism, and in any case right to feel that their behaviour is unacceptable.

– Realise that they will never change. Perhaps you are reading this and thinking, “But I love him/her so much… surely I could do something?” Well, I believe you 100% that you love your partner very much. It’s natural to want to do everything you can to help the person you love. I’ve done that too. The problem is, narcissism cannot be overcome by love. I spent ten years trying to ‘love’ a narcissist into getting well. None of it worked, because my husband could neither really see nor hear me in my own right. He could not appreciate anything that was done for his benefit, because he expected to be served by rights all the time. Your love for your partner is important in itself, because it comes from YOU and shows that you are a good person, capable of loving another. This is still every bit as true even if your narcissistic partner refutes the fact that you love them, or just fails to acknowledge it at all. Value your own goodness, but don’t expect the narcissist to recognise it or reciprocate – you will wait forever.

 

 

– Learn how to shield yourself from their tactics. This is essential whether or not you have decided to leave your partner. Much of what you can do to shield yourself is dependent upon knowing that the narcissist’s main goal is to control everything about you – how you feel about yourself, your appearance, your work, your time, your money, etc. Once you know that, you can start to limit the damage done by their abuse and find loopholes in their behaviour that can be used to your advantage, to carve out little ‘pockets’ of freedom and breathing space.

For example, at one point my husband had beaten me down so much that I couldn’t work, and just stayed in the house all day instead. He probably thought that he had me sufficiently isolated. But he still had to go to work himself every weekday, and while he was gone I was free. One day I stopped feeling bad and realised that during this time, I could visit whichever online support group I wanted, wear whatever I pleased, etc. Sure, it used to all have to stop at around 5pm for him coming home, but that was how I first started building my independence. Soon, I was looking for more little ways to be free – when he was busy taking a shower or in the bathroom, cutting the grass, on the phone to someone else, or engrossed in work at his desk, I would do something small that was just for me: quickly checking my online support group site, or reading something I liked but that he would insult if I read it openly in front of him. In this way, I developed a small ‘life’ of my own away from him. It wasn’t much, but it gave me the push I needed to eventually get a residential job through the internet and leave my husband for good.

In doing these things, though, be careful! Always check and double check that your partner is really otherwise occupied before you do something that may aggravate their abusive behaviour if they walk in on you. Of course it’s never right to have to hide who you really are, but for your own safety it’s best not to openly flaunt anything that triggers your partner’s violence or rages while you are still in the situation. Clear your internet history after every occasion of visiting an online support site or looking up anything that you don’t want your partner to find, e.g. pages about narcissism or abuse. Don’t leave books or anything written down on the subject in full view at home. And just in case you are ever forced to hand over your email password to your partner, create a separate email account that they don’t know about for joining support sites and communicating with other people online.

With verbal abuse, the easiest way to silence a narcissist or stop a rage is to agree with what they are saying. Don’t mistake me; I am not asking you to actually believe what they say when they are abusing or criticising you! They are still spouting absolutely unnacceptable nonsense. It’s just that, outwardly agreeing with a narcissist takes away the fuel for their rage while arguing with them feeds it. Agreeing instead of arguing may save you from further verbal or physical attack. It will also save your breath – a narcissist cannot hear you when you try to argue back at them anyway, because they were already convinced that they were the one in the right before you started. It may not always work, but I have been in situations where it has, so it is worth including here.

– Consider leaving the relationship. I will say again what I said earlier on – narcissists never change. I hoped, prayed, and bargained with God to try and make my husband change. He didn’t. He is quite literally ill, and nothing I or anyone else does can change that. I experienced most of the behaviours outlined in the first post on this blog, and after years of thinking that all that must be my lot in life, I decided I deserved better.

If your partner does things to you which are on that list, they may or may not be a clinical narcissist. But that fact is really neither here nor there. All you need to know when deciding whether or not to leave, is that someone who behaves in those ways is not a person who loves you. You deserve better.

They may say the words, ‘I love you’ many times or not at all. They may turn up with roses or chocolate after every fight. They may not seem ‘bad’ all the time. But they will always turn nasty again. They will start another argument over nothing, or make another critical remark to you, or make you feel bad about yourself, and the abuse/make amends/honeymoon period cycle will start all over again. This is how they keep you hooked. You are always looking straight past their abusive behaviour and waiting for the next apology or proof of ‘love’ to make things seem all right again. This is why we say, “Well, she’s nice to me some of the time,” and “He isn’t always badly behaved.” That is what they want us to think!

Read the list of behaviours in my very first post at least one more time. Is there anything at all that you recognise in your partner?

If so: YOU DESERVE BETTER – FAR, FAR BETTER.

And the only way to find better than the narcissist you are with, is to leave them.

I will post a separate entry on the practicalities of escaping a narcissist soon. Thank you for reading.

(Photo credits: hedgedruid.com, tumblr.com)