Sleeping with the Enemy Part 2: What to do if you suspect your partner or spouse is a narcissist

Finding out that you are or may be in a relationship with a narcissist can be a time of mixed feelings. You might feel relieved and even mildly elated at finally being able to put a name and cause to the abuse you have suffered, and at discovering that there are others who have suffered the exact same things; you may slowly begin to feel other feelings which were previously swallowed down because your abuser forbade you to have or express them, e.g. anger; and it could even dawn on you that you do not want to stay in your current relationship much longer.

Here are some things that it is beneficial to know and do if you have discovered or heavily suspect that your partner or spouse is a narcissist:

– Don’t tell them that you think they are a narcissist. In fact, don’t tell them, their family, or anyone who knows them intimately and may broadcast what you have said. I told my sister-in-law that my husband had hit me, hoping that she would help me to help him to get better. What actually happened was, she said I must have provoked him, and took his side. You will get NO help worthy of the word from a narcissistic partner’s family, so it’s better not to expect any. Whenever the sh*t hits the fan (pardon my French) and the unblemished reputation of their perfect darling so much as looks as if it might come into question, they will stick together like glue, and leave you out in the cold.

It probably sounds very contradictory to say that keeping your knowledge/suspicion quiet is the best option. After all, if someone is ill, isn’t it better for them to know so that they can get well? With any other kind of illness that would be true. But telling a narcissist that you know what they are is likely to be met with, at best, outright (and permanent) denial and, at worst, an intense rage attack. You may even get both. Don’t put yourself at risk – it’s not worth it. By their very nature, narcissists are extremely resistant to even acknowledging that they have a problem, never mind the idea of changing or getting help for it. It would be good to confide in a friend you can trust (preferably not a mutual friend of yourself and your partner) or online support group, but be prepared for the possibility that the person you choose may not be aware of what being a narcissist is all about. They may try to say that your partner “doesn’t mean” to behave in the way they do, or something similar. In these cases, trust your own intuition. If you are feeling controlled or abused by that person according to the criteria outlined in my first post on this blog, then the chances are that you are right to suspect narcissism, and in any case right to feel that their behaviour is unacceptable.

– Realise that they will never change. Perhaps you are reading this and thinking, “But I love him/her so much… surely I could do something?” Well, I believe you 100% that you love your partner very much. It’s natural to want to do everything you can to help the person you love. I’ve done that too. The problem is, narcissism cannot be overcome by love. I spent ten years trying to ‘love’ a narcissist into getting well. None of it worked, because my husband could neither really see nor hear me in my own right. He could not appreciate anything that was done for his benefit, because he expected to be served by rights all the time. Your love for your partner is important in itself, because it comes from YOU and shows that you are a good person, capable of loving another. This is still every bit as true even if your narcissistic partner refutes the fact that you love them, or just fails to acknowledge it at all. Value your own goodness, but don’t expect the narcissist to recognise it or reciprocate – you will wait forever.

 

 

– Learn how to shield yourself from their tactics. This is essential whether or not you have decided to leave your partner. Much of what you can do to shield yourself is dependent upon knowing that the narcissist’s main goal is to control everything about you – how you feel about yourself, your appearance, your work, your time, your money, etc. Once you know that, you can start to limit the damage done by their abuse and find loopholes in their behaviour that can be used to your advantage, to carve out little ‘pockets’ of freedom and breathing space.

For example, at one point my husband had beaten me down so much that I couldn’t work, and just stayed in the house all day instead. He probably thought that he had me sufficiently isolated. But he still had to go to work himself every weekday, and while he was gone I was free. One day I stopped feeling bad and realised that during this time, I could visit whichever online support group I wanted, wear whatever I pleased, etc. Sure, it used to all have to stop at around 5pm for him coming home, but that was how I first started building my independence. Soon, I was looking for more little ways to be free – when he was busy taking a shower or in the bathroom, cutting the grass, on the phone to someone else, or engrossed in work at his desk, I would do something small that was just for me: quickly checking my online support group site, or reading something I liked but that he would insult if I read it openly in front of him. In this way, I developed a small ‘life’ of my own away from him. It wasn’t much, but it gave me the push I needed to eventually get a residential job through the internet and leave my husband for good.

In doing these things, though, be careful! Always check and double check that your partner is really otherwise occupied before you do something that may aggravate their abusive behaviour if they walk in on you. Of course it’s never right to have to hide who you really are, but for your own safety it’s best not to openly flaunt anything that triggers your partner’s violence or rages while you are still in the situation. Clear your internet history after every occasion of visiting an online support site or looking up anything that you don’t want your partner to find, e.g. pages about narcissism or abuse. Don’t leave books or anything written down on the subject in full view at home. And just in case you are ever forced to hand over your email password to your partner, create a separate email account that they don’t know about for joining support sites and communicating with other people online.

With verbal abuse, the easiest way to silence a narcissist or stop a rage is to agree with what they are saying. Don’t mistake me; I am not asking you to actually believe what they say when they are abusing or criticising you! They are still spouting absolutely unnacceptable nonsense. It’s just that, outwardly agreeing with a narcissist takes away the fuel for their rage while arguing with them feeds it. Agreeing instead of arguing may save you from further verbal or physical attack. It will also save your breath – a narcissist cannot hear you when you try to argue back at them anyway, because they were already convinced that they were the one in the right before you started. It may not always work, but I have been in situations where it has, so it is worth including here.

– Consider leaving the relationship. I will say again what I said earlier on – narcissists never change. I hoped, prayed, and bargained with God to try and make my husband change. He didn’t. He is quite literally ill, and nothing I or anyone else does can change that. I experienced most of the behaviours outlined in the first post on this blog, and after years of thinking that all that must be my lot in life, I decided I deserved better.

If your partner does things to you which are on that list, they may or may not be a clinical narcissist. But that fact is really neither here nor there. All you need to know when deciding whether or not to leave, is that someone who behaves in those ways is not a person who loves you. You deserve better.

They may say the words, ‘I love you’ many times or not at all. They may turn up with roses or chocolate after every fight. They may not seem ‘bad’ all the time. But they will always turn nasty again. They will start another argument over nothing, or make another critical remark to you, or make you feel bad about yourself, and the abuse/make amends/honeymoon period cycle will start all over again. This is how they keep you hooked. You are always looking straight past their abusive behaviour and waiting for the next apology or proof of ‘love’ to make things seem all right again. This is why we say, “Well, she’s nice to me some of the time,” and “He isn’t always badly behaved.” That is what they want us to think!

Read the list of behaviours in my very first post at least one more time. Is there anything at all that you recognise in your partner?

If so: YOU DESERVE BETTER – FAR, FAR BETTER.

And the only way to find better than the narcissist you are with, is to leave them.

I will post a separate entry on the practicalities of escaping a narcissist soon. Thank you for reading.

(Photo credits: hedgedruid.com, tumblr.com)