“Come into my parlour,” said the Spider to the Fly: How a narcissist traps us … and why you could be a prime target

Before getting to how best to practically go about escaping narcissists, I have been advised that it would be good to have some information on how we end up with them.

Actually, to say that we simply ‘end up’ in a relationship with a narcissist is often inaccurate. I have already shown how these people abuse and manipulate their way through a relationship – and their method of initially attracting suitable prey, so to speak, is not much different. It involves showmanship that is terrifying in its precision and realism. The mask is specifically designed to work on you.

They may dazzle you with an impressive display of their wealth or achievements at first. Usually, they also push the speed of the relationship very early on. You may ignore the alarm bells that this should set off because you feel so awed and ‘swept off your feet’ by their flawless exterior and the things they offer you, even though you barely know them. They may attempt to distract you or good-naturedly argue with you if you say anything indicating that things are going too fast for you.

Don’t buy it. Anyone who is truly interested will listen to what you have to say and will not rush in, ‘blinding’ you with grandeur to make you lose your head. If you feel flustered, blindsided, or pushed in any way, take that as a warning sign and don’t be swayed into giving in to anything you don’t want. That goes double if anyone shows their temper or treats you disrespectfully just because you failed to give in to one of their demands or failed to be impressed by something they assumed you would fall for. In that case, don’t even wait for a second round – walk away  IMMEDIATELY

If you are already in a relationship and know or suspect that your partner is a narcissist, then it would be worth thinking over your past relationships, and the dynamics within your family of origin. Those with a narcissistic family member, or dysfunction within the family of origin that has led to low self-esteem in themselves are particularly vulnerable to circulating narcissists on the prowl in all areas of life.

In my case, I did not even think to question my upbringing in any kind of detail until I was 9 years into a relationship with an emotionally abusive and violent man, and starting to figure out why I was there and how to get out. When I looked further back in my life, the roots of those circumstances could be found in the fatal combination of my emotionally hungry father, who leaned on me to compensate for the unavailability of his own mother and wife; and my mother, whose jealousy of the attention he paid me led her to treat me with what often amounted to emotional cruelty and indifference.

The result: I was primed from an early age to seek relationships with people who embodied the characteristics of one or both of my parents. The man I married turned out to be the latter. He had both my father’s need for attention and my mother’s emotional unavailability/coldness. Growing up in such a setting, I was a sitting duck for any passing narcissist.

This isn’t very positive sounding stuff at first glance – the deeper you go into the past in many cases, the more damage you may find. But even if you have a dysfunctional or narcissistically poisoned family of origin as well as a past full of relationships in which you have been abused or taken advantage of, the situation is by no means hopeless. Finding out that something was damaged means you can take steps to heal it and put it right for the future.

No matter how one or more narcissists have affected your life, I would recommend trying to find a good counsellor to help you figure out for yourself who YOU are, independent of them, and to help you repair the damage that contact with them has caused you. I myself have had, and am currently having, counselling. I also know a lot of people who have found it helpful for them. Sifting through the past can take a lot of time and energy, and it is often easier to do that with the support of an experienced person.

I may come back to this topic in future, but that’s it for the moment. I hope it has been helpful. Thank you for reading.

(Photo credit: flickr.com)